Cookies

Last week my roommate and I were at the local library.  They always have tables full of used books on sale for a dollar or two each, and I always look through them.  Until that day I'd never been able to find anything interesting to buy, but this time was different.  I was almost done looking when I found a book by one of the best writers of all time:

The Salmon of Doubt consists of anything interesting found on the many computers Douglas Adams owned.  Newspaper and magazine articles, short stories, little paragraphs about nothing, and so on.  I read it once, but it was a few years ago and I'd forgotten most of the good stuff in there.  Or I remembered things I'd heard once, but I'd forgotten where I heard them.

And now for a little something to make you smile:


"Cookies"

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person is me.  I had gone to catch a train.  This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K.  I was a bit early for the train.  I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.  I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies.  I went and sat at a table.  I want you to picture the scene.  It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.  Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies.  There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.  It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird.  What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with.  There's nothing in our background that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has stolen your cookies.  You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles.  There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know . . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it.  And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, What am I going to do?

In the end I thought, Nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened.  I took out a cookie for myself.  I thought, That settled him.  But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again.  He took another cookie.  Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around.  "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ."  I mean, it doesn't really work.

We went through the whole packet like this.  When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime.  He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one.  Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.  Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back.

A moment or two later the train was coming on, so I tossed back the rest of the coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.  The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly normal guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.

--Douglas Adams (from a speech to Embedded Systems, 2001)